October Challenge - #2 - Friendship...Square One

I've been blessed by some beautiful friendships over my decades on this earth and at the risk of embarassing some people who are and have been very important in my life...I'm going to spend a couple of days telling you about them!
A fair warning - these posts are possibly uninteresting to anyone but myself and those mentioned here...excuse me a trip down memory lane

I was a painfully shy child when I was very young.  My brilliant mother approached my preschool teacher in an attempt to find me a "friend" - someone that I could connect with.  I think she was worried that I would melt into a klutzy, quiet, frizzy haired little mess in the corner.  She was probably right to be concerned.  At any rate - that wonderful preschool teacher hooked me up with what would become my "BFF" - Jenny H.  (I hope she isn't bothered to be mentioned by name online!  Maybe it's OK since she goes by "Jennifer" these days!)  It's a funny thing about memories - you can't always be assured that they are 100% accurate.  In my memory, Jenny and I spent nearly every waking moment together for years.  I'm not sure that is far from accurate.  I can honestly say that with the exception of a pile of family-only memories, 95% of my memories from preschool through 6th grade involve Jenny in some way.  We played, we pretended, we whispered and giggled - we went to a certain summer camp that shall remain nameless to protect...us and our reputations.  Even at the ripe ages of 6 & 8 & 12...her friendship gave me the support, the foundation that I desperately needed to be brave enough to try things.  I would have NEVER tried to play tennis without her, I would NEVER have got over the absolute terror that filled me at the thought of a sleepover.  I honestly don't know that I would have learned how to build other friendships without her.  And - with one tiny exception, I don't remember us fighting or ever not getting along.  We were still solid friends in junior high though we both branched out and spent less time attached at the hip.  Completely separately, we both wound up playing double-reed instruments in band/orchestra which led us to countless trips to St Cloud for private lessons together.  We came back around to each other again in high school and built a whole new life together with a completely different style (at least for me) of friends (this will come up again momentarily...).  And again, completely separately, we wound up going to college 7 miles apart...She was my maid of honor and I was hers...and then wound up living in the same suburb - married with children.  She lives 4 hours away now and I haven't seen her in years.  I haven't spoken to her in months.  And I haven't met her youngest child.  Heck - I don't even think I sent a gift.  But there is something about a friendship that endures - a friendship like the one that I HAVE with Jenny H. - a friendship that is really more of a sisterhood than a friendship - if I needed her, she would be here...and vice versa...and I know that when I DO make the trip north or we wind up "home" at the same time over the holidays...we'll pick up where we left off with hugs and blessings.  Friendships like this one are few and far between and are definitely part of what connects me to this world and what makes me feel ALIVE!

Jen and I at my high school graduation.
I KNOW - we haven't changed a BIT!

I feel bad for the little girlfriends that my daughters are making now that they are in preschool and kindergarten because I look at every last one of them wondering if THEY are going to be our family's "Jenny H".

October Challenge - Post #1 - "ALIVE!"

Day 1...and so it begins!
I'm challenging myself to write a blog post each day in October...uh - starting now, I guess.  I needed a "good habit" with which to challenge myself for this month's Game On competition and I thought this might be it - - - and then I realized that I had been procrastinating some important projects so this will be just "extra" and will probably become, at best, an every other day project but that's besides the point, right?  Anyway, in reading one of my "usual" reads, I ran across this challenge to pick a topic and write on it each and every day for the entire month.
'Course, I ran across it very late (aka. yesterday) so I haven't done the prep work that I maybe should have.  The creator of this challenge suggests that you spend time making lists in preparation.  While I AM a giant list maker, I think I'm going to try to be a bit more spontaneous than that. 

I took the girls to church on Sunday and as always, I got something powerful out of the sermon.  The overall discussion was a basic overview of the program that the church has been following for the last 3 years...not incredibly inspirational but the senior pastor DID say one thing that really struck me.  He commented that when he was growing up in his church community, everyone was always asked the question "are you saved?"  He challenged us to ask a different question, "are you alive?"  The underlying idea being that everyone who believes is saved but that doesn't require any kind of action on our part.  Answering affirmatively to the question, "are you alive?" means that you must be actively seeking to better yourself, to strengthen your faith, to interact with the world around you in a positive way and not just sit back watching and waiting.  I am most certainly not prepared to take this simple blog down a religious, theological road.  I'm not ready to share THAT with the world just yet because my faith is not "average", is still being figured out and I might just make some people uncomfortable.  While I DO like to challenge others, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for this particular challenge just yet. 

I love a Minnesota fall!  If only it lasted longer!
Sitting in the sun, with THIS view makes me
feel VERY alive!

BUT - I CAN write about being alive!  So I am challenging myself to write a post every day (I won't promise that they will be lengthy or especially brilliant...)

I'm curious!  What makes YOU feel "alive"?  What PROVES to you that you ARE "alive"?  How do you challenge yourself to be more and more "alive"?

yet another step towards a healthier me???

I’m not exactly sure what has spurred my move towards a healthier “me” in the past 6 months or so.  It’s really been quite unlike me.  I’ve never considered exercise to be an important part of my regular routine.  I’ve never truly considered the food that I consume.  I’ve dieted in an attempt to reach a more attractive weight, but always in the sense that I cut calories not that I made any attempts to eat healthier.  Now I find myself on an ongoing quest to take “the next step” in remaking myself into a healthier and happier version of me. 

I’ve been exercising on a regular basis for the first time in my life – exercise videos and running mostly.  I’ve been drinking water almost to the exclusion of anything else.  I’ve dramatically cut my alcohol consumption and as of the last couple of weeks, have begun to take vitamins and supplements designed to fill in the gaps left by my current diet and attempt to ‘even out’ my body’s chemistry.  I’ve come to love “real” tea, both iced and hot as I’ve taught myself to replace Diet Coke with black tea or flavor my ongoing water consumption with green.

I recently had a bunch of blood work done.  I really wish that I had done it in December so that I would have a baseline of sorts that might show me how far I’ve come already.  At this point – it was a solid mix of “good news – bad news”.  The good news is that I’m remarkably healthy overall.  My sister, (my dedicated Naturopathic Doctor) commented that mine were the best and most exciting lab results that she had seen in a long time.  No cholesterol issues, no signs of impending doom in the form of diabetes…all the things that we were concerned about particularly from a genetic standpoint was good news.  I also had her run a full food/vegetable allergy panel.  THIS news, to me, was the “bad” news.  Here is a list of my favorite foods:  spaghetti, lasagna, nachos, Chipotle burritos, bleu cheese in most any form, Thai fried rice, anything that is filled with or covered with melted cheese (particularly if also fried), ice cream, vodka….yum.  And here is a partial list of my allergies:  rice, wheat, gluten, dairy (in particular cheddar & parmesan cheeses for some reason)…the list was significantly longer, but these are the items that fell into the yellow and red “2’s or 3’s” categories on my list meaning that they were the items that I needed to be most concerned about.  Notice any crossover between those lists?  This was less than awesome news to me.  I expected the lactose news and I have gone lactose-free before – when I was nursing my youngest daughter.  I was NOT expecting the wheat/rice/gluten news. 

I honestly don’t know how to eat gluten-free but I’m determined to try it.  And I think I’ll record some of those efforts here – maybe I can either help someone else considering this change or garner some knowledge from my mysterious base of readers.  I officially “started” this effort today when I ordered my burger sans bun…but NOT sans French fries.  Fries are potatoes, right?  And potatoes aren’t gluten-ey?  Right?  Hmmm…after I ordered, I questioned myself and did a quick internet search.  I ran across a couple of blogs that I scanned very quickly and found that, in fact, French fries are often a problem.  They are apparently either dusted with a wheat powder to make them golden and crispy – or they are fried in the same fryers that are utilized to cook other items that are not naturally gluten-free.  Hmm.  Oops.  First strike for the day.  What else did I learn?  Never pick the croutons off your salad…they will most always leave behind enough crumbs to cause issues.  Obvious news, I suppose.  But still takes a little bit of the wind out of my sails as I begin to really realize how little I know.  I am certainly lucky that my issues are not so extreme that the addition of some invisible crouton crumbs might cause extreme disaster but I am going to need to start doing some real research if I want to try to do this the ‘right’ way. 

And – for the record – I suppose it’s possible that this is a figment of my overactive imagination, but I did recognize some *ahem* gastrointestinal “issues” very shortly after I consumed the ill-advised but frankly, delicious potatoes. 

So – particularly knowing that I do NOT do very well reading overly science-y tomes, does anyone out there have any awesome blogs, articles, books, etc. to share that can help me begin to make these terrifying diet changes?  I'm thanking my lucky stars right now that it is summer – the season of grilled meats and vegetables instead of winter – the season of comfort-food-y, gooey, noodley casseroles.  At least I have a couple of months to wrap my brain around these concepts before the cooking moves back indoors.  

Insecurities

**first off - as I write this, my blog has been viewed 997 times.  I'm flabbergasted by this!  I'm not above admitting that the little, rising ticker does a lot for my confidence and feeds my soul.  I don't know who you are...people reading my words...but I thank you for the affirmation and I hope that I am giving you a gift in exchange.**

It's a funny thing - the older I get, the less I care about what other people think.  It's a cliche, I know...but one that rings true for me.  I'm constantly working on myself and I can't wait to meet the 70 year old me...I can't imagine how much "me" I'll be by then! 

Don't get me wrong - I am far, far, FAR from having mastered the very fine art of not giving a hoot.  I still care.  A lot.  Too much, in my opinion. 
I'm worried that I still don't look good enough. 
I'm concerned that while I am running longer and longer distances, that I'm running too slowly.
I'm too often conscious of the stares of strangers when one of my kids does something ridiculous while standing in line at the grocery store.
I'm worried about how I stack up against other people who professionally do what I do - particularly since I almost never come in contact with these people...there is no job description...and I had no training.  No clue if I'm doing it "right".

More than caring what other people think per se --- I find myself looking more and more for affirmation that what I think is accurate.  It's a subtle difference.  I crave affirmation.  Constantly.  Some days it is a physical need...I ache until I get some feedback...and often it never comes.  I truly hate that I need to be stroked in this way.  It feels like a weakness and I suddenly become insecure about my insecurities...which seems doubly ridiculous.

I know a couple of things to be true.  I know that every (sweeping generalization) woman suffers some level of this...and I believe that every person suffers some level.  I also know that I inherited this struggle from my fantastic, amazing, awe-inspiring mother.  I know that she doesn't see the amazingness (it IS a word!) that the rest of the world sees and that she too feels the physical ache for affirmation on a regular basis.  I also know that I want to find a way to let my daughters be the "fittest" in this category of the "survival" game.  I want to raise them to be confident without being cocky...to both recognize and revel in their individual strengths and weaknesses.  I struggle on a daily basis with the constant balancing act:

-- B's hair is amazing...SHE thinks it's amazing...and EVERYONE comments on it...every day.  It's a struggle to get her to let me comb it.  She will NOT let me pull it back.  How to let her feel confident and amazing in it without giving her some sort of complex?
-- E's hair is less amazing...and she doesn't get the same attention from strangers in the supermarket over her appearance.  How on earth do we not create a complex HERE?
--   Both girls dress themselves 98% of the time.  They have a style that is all their own and I think it's fantastic! (E's camo rain boots are her absolute favorite accessory)  B starts kindergarten in the fall and I worry about the "mean girls". 
-- B thinks she's brilliant (I tend to agree, of course).  What happens when she starts kindergarten and she's not the smartest kid she knows?
-- I'm amazed on a daily basis that with E's speech struggles, she continues to talk.  Constantly.  Whether people can understand her or not.  Can't decide if this is success story for us?  Or just her amazing temperament. 
-- and I still continuously come back to our society's strict gender rules.  Just this week, a very kind-hearted nurse at the clinic offered both girls a sticker.  She got down the box and started rooting through it.  Her immediate response was, "oh - there's nothing but dinosaurs and bugs in here...I'll go find you some girl stickers".  My girls are pretty "meh" on dinosaurs, but they love bugs!  What kind of message does this send them about their preferences?

What's a mother to do?  For now - I'm doing my best to try work on my own issues...quietly and carefully and as unobtrusively as I can.  It is so true that our kids follow the example that they see much more closely than they do as they are told...do you suppose if I can find my own strength and annihilate my own insecurities...set a fantastic example for them --- that I can raise secure, strong, confident women? 

"Game On" explanation

If you've been paying attention, you know that I've made some pretty major changes in the way that I take care of myself lately.  I feel like I've explained and described my process so many times at this point that everyone around me must be growing SO weary of hearing the story - but I continue to have someone new ask me to explain nearly every day.  So I decided that it is time to copy my new friend Jenny H and describe "Game On" in my own words in a place where everyone can see it at once - and can refer back if you're not ready for it now...

This winter, I was on a crusade to get my friend Sonja running with me...and we were talking a lot about eating healthier, treating our bodies better, etc, etc....I felt like I was doing a decent job of taking care of myself, but obviously I could do better.  She called me up and asked me to be her partner in a "Game On" challenge.  If I'm being honest - I signed up solely for Sonja...I originally thought the concept would never work for me - that taking part in an online challenge was going to be no motivation for me whatsoever...but I really wanted to support Sonja.  So - in January, we started our first round of "Game On - Minnesota style".  The whole thing has truly changed my life in a multitude of ways.  It is based on a book titled "Game On" which I have not read.  There is a growing group of us who utilizes a private facebook group to keep the thing rolling.  Here's how it works:

At the beginning of each 4 week round (we DID do one 6 week round but I doubt we will again), everyone puts $40 into the "pot" and partners up for the competition.  Here is what it consists of:

• Diet - the official "Game On" book dictates a strict diet, but this is one of the details that we, as a group, decided to alter a bit.  To take part in the challenge, you need to be following some sort of a diet.  We have some people (like me) doing Weight Watchers, some counting calories, some following a primal diet, etc.  You must follow some sort of organized diet plan.  This is worth 30 points per day.
• Exercise - you must commit to some sort of sweat-inducing exercise for at least 20 minutes per day.  This is worth 20 points per day.
• Sleep - you must be in bed with the possibility of sleeping for at least 7 hours per night.  For those with small children who wake us frequently, you can still get your points as long as you are in bed attempting to sleep 7+ hours.  For example, if you KNOW that your child wakes up at 6 am every morning, you must be in bed with the lights out by 11 pm to get your points.  If your baby still wakes you up twice a night, just make sure that you are in bed early enough to get 7 hours per sleep around those wake-ups.  Naps don't count!  You have to be "trying" for 7 continuous hours.  Worth 15 points per day.
• Water - This is a big one and seems to be the most challenging and surprising for most people.  You must consume 101 oz of water each day.  And yes, that's WATER.  Juice doesn't count, flavored water doesn't count...you can flavor your water with fruit, berries, "real" tea (ie. Crystal Light is no good, the bottled teas that you can buy that are full of chemicals are no good)...but the key is to be consuming real, honest to god water that has not been chemically altered.  Worth 10 points per day.
• New Habit - Pick a good habit that you want to encourage each and every day.  Some examples:  daily meditation, reading for pleasure 20 minutes per day, spending 30 minutes per day of focused play time with your kids.  Worth 10 points per day.
• Old Habit - Pick an old habit that you want to lose each and every day.  Some examples:  I gave up soda which was HUGE for me, drop your television consumption to an hour a day, stop texting while driving, stop biting your nails.  Worth 10 points per day.
• Communication - this is why this whole thing works, I think.  You have to communicate both with your teammate AND with someone from an opposing team each and every day.  Because of the private facebook group, this is very easy for most of us.  All you really have to do is pop in and drop a note about how your day is going in terms of the challenge each day and drop a private note to your partner.  Everyone is ridiculously encouraging and wonderful and this is a big part of what makes the whole thing so much fun - the community is fantastic!  Worth a measly 5 points per day - but CRITICAL to my success.

You can also lose points each day for the following:

• Scale Penalty - You are allowed to step on the scale once each day. If you step on more than once, you need to deduct 1 point per time.
• Snacking Penalty - This is a tough one for me to define honestly...I've more or less ignored it, I think it is a carryover from the official "Game On Diet" that none of us are following.  Deduct 10 points per penalty if you are snacking outside of your official diet, I guess.
• Collusion Penalty - if you cheat - deduct 20 points....but really?  If you're cheating anyway, are you going to be honest enough to deduct these points?  Unlikely.
• Alcohol - BIG ONE for so many.  If you consume alcohol, deduct 25 points per drink.  Ouch.
• Change your Habit - remember those new and old habits from above?  You have to commit to those habits for the entire round. If you opt to change your habits midstream, you have to deduct 50 points...so be sure that what you pick is lifechanging and worthwhile, but not impossible!

You earn bonus points for losing 1% of your total weight each week - 20% of your total score.  If you are at a point (which I am...can you believe it??) where you don't need to lose 4% of your total weight - ie. you are at a healthy weight - you set fitness goals instead and you earn that bonus by achieving your fitness goals.  For example, this last round, I set weekly distance goals for myself in running - I did an 8.5 mile run the first week, 9 miles the second, 9.5 the third and 10 miles this week to earn my bonuses.

And you earn 10 points for reporting your score on time.  

There is a potential for 850 total points each week and those points are averaged across your team to decide a final winner.  Each round that we've done so far, has seen a team of 2 win and an individual win - so 3 people split the pot.  But really?  I think all of us would agree that we ALL win and that it is definitely $40 well worth spent!

You do get one day off and one meal off from everything listed above each week...you get your full points during that time regardless of how badly you treat yourself...so yes, once a week, I have nachos and vodka for dinner. I regret it almost immediately as I feel horrible (why DO we do these things to ourselves?)...but I still get my full points.  I skip a workout a week...etc.  

The "Game On" challenge has truly changed me!  I think very differently about what I do to  my body.  I still make bad decisions once in a while (like the nachos and vodka for dinner example from above) but I make those decisions consciously and with every understanding of how I'm going to feel afterwards.  I am in FAR better physical shape than I think I've ever been.  And people around me are noticing which is why I'm writing this post - I truly want to invite everyone that I know and care about to join us!  Today is the last day of the current round.  We'll be taking one week off and starting up again on June 18.  If you're interested in joining us - let me know!  Or if you have questions - I'll do my best to answer them for you!  Do something good for yourself!  

Five Minute Friday: See

So I have several favorite blogs...one of them is: intendtolive.com and through THAT blog, I discovered thegypsymama.com .  The Gypsy Mama does this great thing where she challenges fellow bloggers to write for 5 minutes straight with no editing, no backtracking, no overthinking every Friday on a specific topic.  I decided to give it a shot today.  By the length of this post, I'm realizing how much time I must spend writing the OTHER posts that I write...'cause this is ridiculously short for the usually overly-verbose me!  
(I haven't taken enough time to figure out formatting and linking and things the "proper" way with blogger...I'll figure out eventually how to utilize the gypsy mama's official "5 minute friday" thumbnail, link back to her, give her proper credit, etc....for now...my apologies!)

The topic for today:  "SEE"...and GO!

I see the word "see" and for some reason it conjures up guilt and pain for me.  Not sure how or why that happens.
I see the word "see" and I think of my daughters...I think of how far too often, I don't think that I really, REALLY "see" them.  I look at them...I shuffle them from place to place...I feed and clothe and bathe them...I play with them and push them on the swings.  Of course I do.  But I'm not sure that I really take the time to SEE them as often as I should.  Sometimes, in the morning, when they have slept long enough, the day is new and unblemished and full of promise and they climb into bed with me --- their hair tousled, their little bodies warm and soft from their blankets "good morning mama" on their lips --- then I "see" them.  We "see" each other and it's a beautiful thing.
And me?  What I wouldn't give to be "seen" myself.  I think it's true of everyone, I'm certainly not alone, that we stumble through this life with secrets in our hearts, damage in our minds, dreams in our pockets that no one really sees.

I can say with honesty that I have been thinking about "seeing" people quite a bit for the last couple of months.  And I've been making a valiant effort to really and truly see some of the important people in my life.  I hope that, even though they probably don't consciously realize it, that it gives them the joy and confidence that they deserve.

The End.  

I think I'm a runner...

I’ve never been an athletic person – never been a very physically active person.  I am a klutz…uncoordinated…completely NOT graceful in any way.  I tried to dance as a pre-teen…I was miserable at it.  I tried to skate before that…HA!  Lots of bruises there.  I was always picked last for everything in gym class…I was small, untalented and didn’t give a rat’s ass.  It most certainly did not define me.  My family likes to tease me because my Dad struggled SO HARD to teach me how to ride a bike as a kid.  Hours.  And Hours.  And Hours.  We pretty much stopped going for family bike rides the day that I drove my bicycle full-on into a brick wall because I couldn’t coordinate myself well enough to hit the brakes in time.  Seriously – klutzy!  (I still can’t ride a bike…it’s ridiculous!)  Starting around the age of 15, I started using my “bad knee” as an excuse – and it was true – my right side has always given me a hard time.  I learned about 8 years ago that I do in fact have arthritis on my right side so it wasn’t bunk…but I did play it up to compensate for my ridiculous desire to avoid all physical activity.  In retrospect, it’s a miracle I never weighed 250 pounds.  I got myself a knee brace and ran a little bit in college because I had a controlling boyfriend who counted my calories for me and made certain that I worked out every day.  When we broke up – I quit running because it represented to me the abuse that I had suffered under his control. 

I still can’t believe that I’ve become a runner.  I chuckle a little bit inside just to write those words.  Me?  A runner?  I’m not a runner…I run, but I’m not a “runner”.  I don’t really know why I started – but it might be the smartest and best thing that I’ve ever done for myself.  I’ve been running for almost 2 years now and it’s essentially changed my life. 

Two years ago, my sister-in-law (who has always been a successful, avid runner) sent me a pair of good sneakers for my birthday.  I’m not really sure what possessed her except that she works in a running store and probably had NO clue what to send me.  6 months later, I strapped them on for the first time and started running the “Couch to 5k” program.  I ran my first 5k on a day when the temperature was literally -9 degrees at race time…and I was hooked. 

It physically feels good finally which I think is a combination of a lot of factors – just plain ‘ole training and getting my body accustomed to the exertion but also – definitely losing enough weight that I’m not ‘abusing’ my body by forcing it to carry around more than it should.  The first two miles used to always be painful (even when I was running 10 miles with relative ease) and the rest was always more or less numb.  Now – the whole thing just feels good.  I can feel my blood pumping strong and healthy.  My lungs feel like they are smiling.  My legs feel strong.  I feel strong.  I feel like a strong, beautiful goddess when I run.  I’m certain I don’t LOOK that way – let’s face it, I look red-faced and sweaty…but in my mind, I look amazing! 

Over the course of just the last couple of months, it’s become an almost spiritual thing to boot.  I’ve always listened to podcasts in the past because if I listened to music, I couldn’t get into my head and I would just count laps or wonder how fast I was going or how much longer I had to go.  I haven’t listened to a podcast in weeks…the one time I tried, I realized that it had been running for 10 minutes and I hadn’t heard a single word.  I think about my girls – what kind of women I want them to be – and how I’m going to teach them to be those women.  I think about my career and where I want it to go and how I’m going to get there.  I think about the soul, the universe, the plants, animals, gods and goddesses that fill our sails and our bodies and our minds.  I think about my marriage and my husband.  I think a lot lately about myself – which sounds narcissistic, I know…but in my case, for right now, is healthy.  And, especially if the sun is shining…I arrive back at my doorstep feeling energized, positive, rejuvenated and strong. 

I used to need a race on the horizon to keep myself running at least 3 times per week.  Now I need a 20 hour work day to even consider skipping my run.  I think I’m a runner.