Insecurities

**first off - as I write this, my blog has been viewed 997 times.  I'm flabbergasted by this!  I'm not above admitting that the little, rising ticker does a lot for my confidence and feeds my soul.  I don't know who you are...people reading my words...but I thank you for the affirmation and I hope that I am giving you a gift in exchange.**

It's a funny thing - the older I get, the less I care about what other people think.  It's a cliche, I know...but one that rings true for me.  I'm constantly working on myself and I can't wait to meet the 70 year old me...I can't imagine how much "me" I'll be by then! 

Don't get me wrong - I am far, far, FAR from having mastered the very fine art of not giving a hoot.  I still care.  A lot.  Too much, in my opinion. 
I'm worried that I still don't look good enough. 
I'm concerned that while I am running longer and longer distances, that I'm running too slowly.
I'm too often conscious of the stares of strangers when one of my kids does something ridiculous while standing in line at the grocery store.
I'm worried about how I stack up against other people who professionally do what I do - particularly since I almost never come in contact with these people...there is no job description...and I had no training.  No clue if I'm doing it "right".

More than caring what other people think per se --- I find myself looking more and more for affirmation that what I think is accurate.  It's a subtle difference.  I crave affirmation.  Constantly.  Some days it is a physical need...I ache until I get some feedback...and often it never comes.  I truly hate that I need to be stroked in this way.  It feels like a weakness and I suddenly become insecure about my insecurities...which seems doubly ridiculous.

I know a couple of things to be true.  I know that every (sweeping generalization) woman suffers some level of this...and I believe that every person suffers some level.  I also know that I inherited this struggle from my fantastic, amazing, awe-inspiring mother.  I know that she doesn't see the amazingness (it IS a word!) that the rest of the world sees and that she too feels the physical ache for affirmation on a regular basis.  I also know that I want to find a way to let my daughters be the "fittest" in this category of the "survival" game.  I want to raise them to be confident without being cocky...to both recognize and revel in their individual strengths and weaknesses.  I struggle on a daily basis with the constant balancing act:

-- B's hair is amazing...SHE thinks it's amazing...and EVERYONE comments on it...every day.  It's a struggle to get her to let me comb it.  She will NOT let me pull it back.  How to let her feel confident and amazing in it without giving her some sort of complex?
-- E's hair is less amazing...and she doesn't get the same attention from strangers in the supermarket over her appearance.  How on earth do we not create a complex HERE?
--   Both girls dress themselves 98% of the time.  They have a style that is all their own and I think it's fantastic! (E's camo rain boots are her absolute favorite accessory)  B starts kindergarten in the fall and I worry about the "mean girls". 
-- B thinks she's brilliant (I tend to agree, of course).  What happens when she starts kindergarten and she's not the smartest kid she knows?
-- I'm amazed on a daily basis that with E's speech struggles, she continues to talk.  Constantly.  Whether people can understand her or not.  Can't decide if this is success story for us?  Or just her amazing temperament. 
-- and I still continuously come back to our society's strict gender rules.  Just this week, a very kind-hearted nurse at the clinic offered both girls a sticker.  She got down the box and started rooting through it.  Her immediate response was, "oh - there's nothing but dinosaurs and bugs in here...I'll go find you some girl stickers".  My girls are pretty "meh" on dinosaurs, but they love bugs!  What kind of message does this send them about their preferences?

What's a mother to do?  For now - I'm doing my best to try work on my own issues...quietly and carefully and as unobtrusively as I can.  It is so true that our kids follow the example that they see much more closely than they do as they are told...do you suppose if I can find my own strength and annihilate my own insecurities...set a fantastic example for them --- that I can raise secure, strong, confident women? 

"Game On" explanation

If you've been paying attention, you know that I've made some pretty major changes in the way that I take care of myself lately.  I feel like I've explained and described my process so many times at this point that everyone around me must be growing SO weary of hearing the story - but I continue to have someone new ask me to explain nearly every day.  So I decided that it is time to copy my new friend Jenny H and describe "Game On" in my own words in a place where everyone can see it at once - and can refer back if you're not ready for it now...

This winter, I was on a crusade to get my friend Sonja running with me...and we were talking a lot about eating healthier, treating our bodies better, etc, etc....I felt like I was doing a decent job of taking care of myself, but obviously I could do better.  She called me up and asked me to be her partner in a "Game On" challenge.  If I'm being honest - I signed up solely for Sonja...I originally thought the concept would never work for me - that taking part in an online challenge was going to be no motivation for me whatsoever...but I really wanted to support Sonja.  So - in January, we started our first round of "Game On - Minnesota style".  The whole thing has truly changed my life in a multitude of ways.  It is based on a book titled "Game On" which I have not read.  There is a growing group of us who utilizes a private facebook group to keep the thing rolling.  Here's how it works:

At the beginning of each 4 week round (we DID do one 6 week round but I doubt we will again), everyone puts $40 into the "pot" and partners up for the competition.  Here is what it consists of:

• Diet - the official "Game On" book dictates a strict diet, but this is one of the details that we, as a group, decided to alter a bit.  To take part in the challenge, you need to be following some sort of a diet.  We have some people (like me) doing Weight Watchers, some counting calories, some following a primal diet, etc.  You must follow some sort of organized diet plan.  This is worth 30 points per day.
• Exercise - you must commit to some sort of sweat-inducing exercise for at least 20 minutes per day.  This is worth 20 points per day.
• Sleep - you must be in bed with the possibility of sleeping for at least 7 hours per night.  For those with small children who wake us frequently, you can still get your points as long as you are in bed attempting to sleep 7+ hours.  For example, if you KNOW that your child wakes up at 6 am every morning, you must be in bed with the lights out by 11 pm to get your points.  If your baby still wakes you up twice a night, just make sure that you are in bed early enough to get 7 hours per sleep around those wake-ups.  Naps don't count!  You have to be "trying" for 7 continuous hours.  Worth 15 points per day.
• Water - This is a big one and seems to be the most challenging and surprising for most people.  You must consume 101 oz of water each day.  And yes, that's WATER.  Juice doesn't count, flavored water doesn't count...you can flavor your water with fruit, berries, "real" tea (ie. Crystal Light is no good, the bottled teas that you can buy that are full of chemicals are no good)...but the key is to be consuming real, honest to god water that has not been chemically altered.  Worth 10 points per day.
• New Habit - Pick a good habit that you want to encourage each and every day.  Some examples:  daily meditation, reading for pleasure 20 minutes per day, spending 30 minutes per day of focused play time with your kids.  Worth 10 points per day.
• Old Habit - Pick an old habit that you want to lose each and every day.  Some examples:  I gave up soda which was HUGE for me, drop your television consumption to an hour a day, stop texting while driving, stop biting your nails.  Worth 10 points per day.
• Communication - this is why this whole thing works, I think.  You have to communicate both with your teammate AND with someone from an opposing team each and every day.  Because of the private facebook group, this is very easy for most of us.  All you really have to do is pop in and drop a note about how your day is going in terms of the challenge each day and drop a private note to your partner.  Everyone is ridiculously encouraging and wonderful and this is a big part of what makes the whole thing so much fun - the community is fantastic!  Worth a measly 5 points per day - but CRITICAL to my success.

You can also lose points each day for the following:

• Scale Penalty - You are allowed to step on the scale once each day. If you step on more than once, you need to deduct 1 point per time.
• Snacking Penalty - This is a tough one for me to define honestly...I've more or less ignored it, I think it is a carryover from the official "Game On Diet" that none of us are following.  Deduct 10 points per penalty if you are snacking outside of your official diet, I guess.
• Collusion Penalty - if you cheat - deduct 20 points....but really?  If you're cheating anyway, are you going to be honest enough to deduct these points?  Unlikely.
• Alcohol - BIG ONE for so many.  If you consume alcohol, deduct 25 points per drink.  Ouch.
• Change your Habit - remember those new and old habits from above?  You have to commit to those habits for the entire round. If you opt to change your habits midstream, you have to deduct 50 points...so be sure that what you pick is lifechanging and worthwhile, but not impossible!

You earn bonus points for losing 1% of your total weight each week - 20% of your total score.  If you are at a point (which I am...can you believe it??) where you don't need to lose 4% of your total weight - ie. you are at a healthy weight - you set fitness goals instead and you earn that bonus by achieving your fitness goals.  For example, this last round, I set weekly distance goals for myself in running - I did an 8.5 mile run the first week, 9 miles the second, 9.5 the third and 10 miles this week to earn my bonuses.

And you earn 10 points for reporting your score on time.  

There is a potential for 850 total points each week and those points are averaged across your team to decide a final winner.  Each round that we've done so far, has seen a team of 2 win and an individual win - so 3 people split the pot.  But really?  I think all of us would agree that we ALL win and that it is definitely $40 well worth spent!

You do get one day off and one meal off from everything listed above each week...you get your full points during that time regardless of how badly you treat yourself...so yes, once a week, I have nachos and vodka for dinner. I regret it almost immediately as I feel horrible (why DO we do these things to ourselves?)...but I still get my full points.  I skip a workout a week...etc.  

The "Game On" challenge has truly changed me!  I think very differently about what I do to  my body.  I still make bad decisions once in a while (like the nachos and vodka for dinner example from above) but I make those decisions consciously and with every understanding of how I'm going to feel afterwards.  I am in FAR better physical shape than I think I've ever been.  And people around me are noticing which is why I'm writing this post - I truly want to invite everyone that I know and care about to join us!  Today is the last day of the current round.  We'll be taking one week off and starting up again on June 18.  If you're interested in joining us - let me know!  Or if you have questions - I'll do my best to answer them for you!  Do something good for yourself!  

Five Minute Friday: See

So I have several favorite blogs...one of them is: intendtolive.com and through THAT blog, I discovered thegypsymama.com .  The Gypsy Mama does this great thing where she challenges fellow bloggers to write for 5 minutes straight with no editing, no backtracking, no overthinking every Friday on a specific topic.  I decided to give it a shot today.  By the length of this post, I'm realizing how much time I must spend writing the OTHER posts that I write...'cause this is ridiculously short for the usually overly-verbose me!  
(I haven't taken enough time to figure out formatting and linking and things the "proper" way with blogger...I'll figure out eventually how to utilize the gypsy mama's official "5 minute friday" thumbnail, link back to her, give her proper credit, etc....for now...my apologies!)

The topic for today:  "SEE"...and GO!

I see the word "see" and for some reason it conjures up guilt and pain for me.  Not sure how or why that happens.
I see the word "see" and I think of my daughters...I think of how far too often, I don't think that I really, REALLY "see" them.  I look at them...I shuffle them from place to place...I feed and clothe and bathe them...I play with them and push them on the swings.  Of course I do.  But I'm not sure that I really take the time to SEE them as often as I should.  Sometimes, in the morning, when they have slept long enough, the day is new and unblemished and full of promise and they climb into bed with me --- their hair tousled, their little bodies warm and soft from their blankets "good morning mama" on their lips --- then I "see" them.  We "see" each other and it's a beautiful thing.
And me?  What I wouldn't give to be "seen" myself.  I think it's true of everyone, I'm certainly not alone, that we stumble through this life with secrets in our hearts, damage in our minds, dreams in our pockets that no one really sees.

I can say with honesty that I have been thinking about "seeing" people quite a bit for the last couple of months.  And I've been making a valiant effort to really and truly see some of the important people in my life.  I hope that, even though they probably don't consciously realize it, that it gives them the joy and confidence that they deserve.

The End.