I think I'm a runner...

I’ve never been an athletic person – never been a very physically active person.  I am a klutz…uncoordinated…completely NOT graceful in any way.  I tried to dance as a pre-teen…I was miserable at it.  I tried to skate before that…HA!  Lots of bruises there.  I was always picked last for everything in gym class…I was small, untalented and didn’t give a rat’s ass.  It most certainly did not define me.  My family likes to tease me because my Dad struggled SO HARD to teach me how to ride a bike as a kid.  Hours.  And Hours.  And Hours.  We pretty much stopped going for family bike rides the day that I drove my bicycle full-on into a brick wall because I couldn’t coordinate myself well enough to hit the brakes in time.  Seriously – klutzy!  (I still can’t ride a bike…it’s ridiculous!)  Starting around the age of 15, I started using my “bad knee” as an excuse – and it was true – my right side has always given me a hard time.  I learned about 8 years ago that I do in fact have arthritis on my right side so it wasn’t bunk…but I did play it up to compensate for my ridiculous desire to avoid all physical activity.  In retrospect, it’s a miracle I never weighed 250 pounds.  I got myself a knee brace and ran a little bit in college because I had a controlling boyfriend who counted my calories for me and made certain that I worked out every day.  When we broke up – I quit running because it represented to me the abuse that I had suffered under his control. 

I still can’t believe that I’ve become a runner.  I chuckle a little bit inside just to write those words.  Me?  A runner?  I’m not a runner…I run, but I’m not a “runner”.  I don’t really know why I started – but it might be the smartest and best thing that I’ve ever done for myself.  I’ve been running for almost 2 years now and it’s essentially changed my life. 

Two years ago, my sister-in-law (who has always been a successful, avid runner) sent me a pair of good sneakers for my birthday.  I’m not really sure what possessed her except that she works in a running store and probably had NO clue what to send me.  6 months later, I strapped them on for the first time and started running the “Couch to 5k” program.  I ran my first 5k on a day when the temperature was literally -9 degrees at race time…and I was hooked. 

It physically feels good finally which I think is a combination of a lot of factors – just plain ‘ole training and getting my body accustomed to the exertion but also – definitely losing enough weight that I’m not ‘abusing’ my body by forcing it to carry around more than it should.  The first two miles used to always be painful (even when I was running 10 miles with relative ease) and the rest was always more or less numb.  Now – the whole thing just feels good.  I can feel my blood pumping strong and healthy.  My lungs feel like they are smiling.  My legs feel strong.  I feel strong.  I feel like a strong, beautiful goddess when I run.  I’m certain I don’t LOOK that way – let’s face it, I look red-faced and sweaty…but in my mind, I look amazing! 

Over the course of just the last couple of months, it’s become an almost spiritual thing to boot.  I’ve always listened to podcasts in the past because if I listened to music, I couldn’t get into my head and I would just count laps or wonder how fast I was going or how much longer I had to go.  I haven’t listened to a podcast in weeks…the one time I tried, I realized that it had been running for 10 minutes and I hadn’t heard a single word.  I think about my girls – what kind of women I want them to be – and how I’m going to teach them to be those women.  I think about my career and where I want it to go and how I’m going to get there.  I think about the soul, the universe, the plants, animals, gods and goddesses that fill our sails and our bodies and our minds.  I think about my marriage and my husband.  I think a lot lately about myself – which sounds narcissistic, I know…but in my case, for right now, is healthy.  And, especially if the sun is shining…I arrive back at my doorstep feeling energized, positive, rejuvenated and strong. 

I used to need a race on the horizon to keep myself running at least 3 times per week.  Now I need a 20 hour work day to even consider skipping my run.  I think I’m a runner.